The Art of Raising Healthy Negotiators

When our sweet little angels are born, we look upon them, seeking their future through the portal of their little eyes and wondering what babies think about inside their tiny, new minds. As they grow to be toddlers, our eyes lock with theirs as they stumble toward our outstretched arms, taking their first step, and we offer butterfly kisses with our eyelashes. As their brains grow to produce their first words, the corners of our eyes wrinkle with joy when we hear the sounds we’ve been modeling meld together to form a recognizable syllable. We look into their eyes and reinforce and ask for more. And so it begins. Syllables become words, words become sentences, sentences become higher-level thought concepts. And then comes the day that we tell our kids to do something and their response is something we never would have expected from our little doe-eyed, babbling and bubbly babies. Th ey look into the weary, weathered eyes of their grown-up and say the no-no phrase that is the bane of every child-rearing adult on Planet Earth: “If….then….”

What the heck do our children think they are doing trying to be deep thinkers, using their syllables and phrases to negotiate a deal with us rather than just following our directives?

It can be annoying, frustrating, and discouraging when we know what’s right for our children, when we are sure of the lesson we’re conveying, when we express our parental directives, just to receive kickback in the form of negotiation. And it’s not just negotiation, it’s convincing, stubbornly reasonable negotiation that barely gives a parent any reason to decline. Those darn, brilliant-minded trial-lawyers-in-the-making…why can’t our kids just DO THE THING? Why can’t they see that it’s for their good and that the quicker they get to it, the quicker we can all sit in front of the telly and snack and snuggle? Why can’t they navigate that when they negotiate, it creates speed bumps on the reality road that we know leads right to their perfect destiny?

Or does it?

Is there a rationale behind negotiation? Is there potential for negotiation-prone kids to learn the lesson we are promoting even more deeply than if they were to just accept and act upon our directive?

The art of negotiation in children is multi-layered and is a gift for us to help teach them to use to achieve their purpose and passions. Teaching them to channel and wield their negotiating powers wisely takes some training of our own and, when done with purpose, will help our children see layers of a situation more clearly, and respond to their peers and environment with insight and awareness of the many filters involved in any relationship and interaction.

Here are five great tools for navigating your relationship with your brilliant negotiators. Keep these points as your filter, and your kids will better realize your full power as a guiding force for their well-being in both negotiable and non-negotiable situations in and out of their home environment.

Root of the Reason

Explore the reasons, both situationally and internally, that your child feels the need to negotiate before determining your response. Are there circumstances you may not be aware of that could change perspective? Is your child just being lazy and finding a way to avoid cleaning the toilet? The Root of the Reason is a crucial piece in shining light on your child’s “why” that must be considered.

Purposeful Position

Treat your child with respect as their grownup and be sure you are holding your ground on fertile soil. Are you fearing negotiation will thwart your authority or is your child pushing in a direction that you truly feel is not beneficial so you’re digging in your heels unnecessarily? Or have you determined that your child is on a slippery slope and needs a rope to safety? Be introspective about your “why” before determining if a situation is negotiable or non-negotiable.

Geared toward Growth

Create a mindset of growth for children by modeling growth mindset in your directives and communication. Use these opportunities to teach a child how to properly negotiate by offering feedback and guidance when they attempt it. One filter we must enact as parents for each and every interaction is to teach self-regulation, self-advocacy, and power in the world as a human living with other humans. Use these times to not argue, but to model how to achieve goals using communication. A grownup should not engage in an argument with their child. This undermines your goals and authority directly and teaches that their actually is negotiation potential through the art of the argument.

Mindset of Maturity

Model maturity to nurture eventual maturity in your children. Sometimes mundane chores are a job that just must be done to be a part of a team, and mature activation of a get-it-done attitude may not allow for negotiation. Determine if negotiation undermines modeling a mindset of maturity. Additionally, arguing or shutting down a child who is trying to negotiate for the wrong reasons are a form of mindset paralysis that we quickly retreat to when feeling questioned: You know, the “because I said so” that our parents responded with frequently. Use the “because I said so” sparingly and only when necessary for situations when your child needs guidance in areas such as humility and respect. And then there are follow-ups that are essential. Shutting down negotiation that a child is exhibiting requires maturity and purposeful responses so as not to shame or dilute self-confidence in a child. Shutting down the negotiation cannot mean shutting down the child’s confidence to speak up for themselves. This will backfire when a child needs to stand their ground out in the world.

Lesson with Longevity

Remember in times of frustrated negotiation practices that your goals and directives are for the purpose of fruition in the future. Roots bear fruit on healthy trees. Teach lessons through your child’s negotiation practices that have longevity and the your child can apply to their own circumstances. Teach in the home what you want your child to exhibit in the world.