Behavior Begets Response

At your wits end? Feeling like throwing up your hands in defeat and walking out of the ring? Wondering why you wake up with the best intentions as a parent, only to end the day feeling defeated? Questioning why you are even calling it a ring, as if your parent/child relationship were a prize fight?

Parenting is not easy, we know from experience. I’ve gone to bed numerous nights wondering how our two beautiful creatures landed in our home and into the care of an incompetent monster of a mother. I’ve also looked at the sleeping, peaceful faces of those two beautiful creatures and wondered how, only moments before their slumber, they’d been behaving like creatures from the black lagoon (sorry, H and B), their black reptilian eyes surfacing from under the blanket of whatever murky waters they’d been swimming through that day that lended itself to their presentation of their most animalistic selves that unsuspecting evening.

The answer is simple—we are humans, they are humans, and humans have a behavior/response relationship. We respond to behaviors we intake both internally and externally, and then transfer our responses to affect the behaviors and responses of the humans around us based on the emotions we feel need to be tended and served.

And the sweet part of this cycle is that, for better or worse, we are each other’s people, and we exhibit our worst behaviors and responses to the people with whom we feel the most safe. Hence, growling grown-ups lash out to their cherubic children, and monstrous munchkins push the limits of their adoring adults. And when both are in the intolerant, pushed-to-the-limit space, well, giddy-up living room, you are now hosting a battle.

But remember grown-ups, we are the grown-ups. We are the guardians of our children’s hearts and the gatekeepers of their lessons for growth.

As those human-being-grown-ups, we can arm ourselves with knowledge and tools as reliable go-to’s when we are pushed to our limits and can feel our responses being directed by our children’s behaviors, rather than the optimal and appropriate Leader’s Behavior begetting the Learner’s Response. We so often get stuck in a learned cycle where our children’s behavior directs our adult response. Suddenly, we are teaching that they are the leader in the moment, and those small moments add up to a new dynamic in the bigger picture. And the children catch onto that trend faster than we do! Once we jump in to switch the narrative, we will need to take two steps to get ahead for every one step that our brilliant, little life navigators take.

Here are five insights and tools into creating a powerful “Leader’s Behavior Begets Learner’s Response” dynamic in your home, even in the most, especially in the most, tense moments where the tendency for your positive parenting intentions flee.

Notice that each of these techniques contain the action verb, PRACTICE. Relationships are an active entity, thus needing active and constantly effortful application of the participants. Even the noun participant is derived from the verb, participate. Is it inevitable that you will be too exhausted to actively participate sometimes? Yes! YOU ARE A HUMAN! But remember, your kids will be exhausted sometimes, too. Opportunities for reset and realistic rest are provided in Tool #1 and Tool #2, and a reminder to see your kid’s need for reset is available in Tool #3.

#1: PRACTICE A PROACTIVE VS. REACTIVE MINDSET (DISCIPLINE VS. PUNISHMENT MODEL)

Presenting regular, easily understood and implementable expectations as the normal behaviors expected not only give a child clear boundaries, it provides teaching moments when a child is actually receptive, AKA not in the middle of a conflict. Our goal is to disciple (teach) our children before the unwanted behaviors ever surface so that we can avoid unwanted behaviors, but in the big picture, to teach our kids how to self-regulate, self-evaluate, and respect and honor and the people living this life with them. The more proactive moments we present, model, and initiate, then less reactive we will have to be toward unwanted behaviors.

#2: PRACTICE THE CLEAN SLATE MODEL

Our children must know we aren’t score keepers and that there is no behavior they can exhibit that will change the way we fundamentally feel about them as we relentlessly show that we are their biggest champions. We can be steadfast in our beliefs and ideals, but we should model that our frustrations or judgment does not carry over from one moment to the next.

#3: PRACTICE THE KID FILTER/ADULT FILTER HIERARCHY

The majority of humans’ conflicts are due to the misalignment of filters for presentation vs. receipt of content. Our children cannot understand sophisticated adult reasoning. We must speak to them and go where they are physically, spiritually, academically, and emotionally. If we, as the grownup, present a concept that is not able to be understood or filtered through child-centered thought processes, the child will make up their own version of the concept, act upon their version, then not understand why they’re in trouble, or will flail without the safety of the boundary and put up a defense as a protection for their lack of understanding of what is expected. One note about kid filter: we must not only speak into the kid filter, we must listen to the output that is shared from the kid filter.

My 4 year-old-son got very frustrated once with us when he was trying to tell us that he was worried about the ice spikes (icicles) fall off of an awning and hurting him. We were being gentle, kind, patient listeners and he was still frustrated. We assumed his frustration was because he was frightened and we kept reassuring him he was safe. He finally walked over to me, took my face in his little hands, and said, “Mommy, you’re SAYING it wrong! It’s not ice SPIKES. It’s Ice BIKES.” I was stumped at this transaction. “Ice bikes?” I asked. “Yep!”. He walked away to go break an ice bike off the house to use as a sword, finally satisfied and frustration melted. Jeff broke into a huge grin. “Ice bikes. Ice cycles. Icicles. I understand now.”

Though this is not a battle, it was an insight into what our kid’s filter looked like. We then used that non-conflict oriented interaction to shape and guide our next interactions based on what our son shared about his filter. Every interaction is insight into how our kid’s tick.

#4: PRACTICE SHIFTING THE BEHAVIOR BEGETS RESPONSE DYNAMIC

Work diligently to lead the response by presenting, modeling, and initiating Leader Behavior that will beget Learner Response. The dynamic is cyclical in the parent/child relationship, and one misstep can cause the parent to be the responder to a child’s behavior rather than the behavior guide that elicits child response. Practice changing directions 180 degrees if the cycle gets off balance and return to the intended Adult Leader/Child Learner cycle with a simple shift.

#5: PRACTICE CONSISTENCY IN YOUR WORDS AND ACTIONS (TRUST AND SAFETY PROVISION)

If our words and modeling actions are like the cement foundation under our child’s Lego tower, our child has the platform to build it high, reaching toward the highest heights with the assurance that the ground will stand firm under their endeavors. They have a foundation that allows for safety in their values, bravery, creativity, and fearless growth. If our words are like sand, ever-present and in high supply, but not strong of conviction, energy, and personal parental buy-in enough to consistently implement, our child will try to build their Lego masterpiece over and over on that shaky foundation, but every time the tide of stress and conflict washes over, the foundation falters. Eventually, the child will stop trying to build their Lego tower high and will spread out those Legos into other directions that feel safer and more secure. Our child will always grow, but the direction in which they seek is now a free-for-all of their choosing. Where we hold strongly to our fair convictions that are in the best benefit of our children is where they will feel safest. It is also where they will test the most, which is even further reason why we should be relentlessly consistent in the areas we believe are shaping them.